he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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