i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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