That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
