Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
