end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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