He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
