Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
