Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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