You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
