Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
