the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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