i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Everyone says I win the strip club
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
