I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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