If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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