Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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