pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
