Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
