You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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