If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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