I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
