Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
