I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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