the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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