i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
