so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
