areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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