2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
