Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You made out with two different species that night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
