I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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