She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
