I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
