I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
