She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
