I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
