Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
