I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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