Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
