I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
