Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
