Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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