I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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