Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
