You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
