I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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