Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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