I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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