I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize