i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
