happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
