woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
