I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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