We're facebook friends in real life
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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