Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize