Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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