Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
