They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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